Clubhouse Cancer

Billy Wagner hates his teammates.

New York Mets closer Billy Wagner’s irritation with his teammates is obvious. After Thursday’s 1-0 loss to the best cheerleaders in the National League, Wagner’s frustration boiled over.

“Can somebody tell me why the closer's being interviewed and I didn't even play”

Wagner replied when the throng of New York tabloid media members hounded him after the game.

“Why they're over there not getting interviewed? I get it. They're gone. Shocker.”

Wagner was presumably gesturing toward the locker of Carlos Delgado, who lined into a double play to end the game. Delgado, a big-bucks veteran who often pretends he doesn’t speak English so as to avoid tough questions, has been quiet as a churchmouse through his early struggles this season.

If Wagner had hoped reporters would just ignore him from now on, his plan has horribly backfired. Now that one-day whipping boy, Nelson Figueroa is gone, Wagner has just turned himself into the NY media’s ‘go-to-guy’ for quotes on the Mets potentially devastating 2008 season.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,New York Mets,Billy Wagner,Carlos Delgado

Isiah banished to Europe.

Much like Napoleon to the island of Elba, ‘Isiah the Pariah’ has been exiled to lands far, far away for his sins against man & womankind alike.

According to a source close to ‘Zeke’, new Knicks president Donnie Walsh dispatched Thomas last week to France and Italy to scout the lottery possibilities of players Danilo Gallinari and Nicolas Batum, whoever they are. We’re delighted we got to type their names for the one & only time, though…if it means Isiah is out of the US and free to sexually harass the boys citizens of the European Union.  

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA Playoffs,New York Knicks,Isiah Thomas

‘Manny Being Manny’ Top Ten

This high-larious clip from Baseball Tonight is the perfect example of why Manny Ramirez has been passed over in all the ‘Roid rage. He’s a happy-go-lucky moron. He’s the Big Bird of Boston’s diamond-crusted Sesame Street.

As we’ve mentioned, he’s satisfied hitting 500 home runs, instead of 700. He’s just as happy listening to your music in the clubhouse.

His laziness and…ahem…‘hazy’ view of life are actually his tickets to Cooperstown in this crazy, juiced-up era, believe it or not.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Boston Red Sox,ESPN,Manny Ramirez,Baseball Tonight

Urlacher likely skipping mini-camp.

Brian Urlacher douchily insists he will not attend OTA’s starting Monday and is leaning toward skipping the Bears' mandatory mini-camp May 30-June 1, but he insists talk of protesting his contract situation through training camp is ‘premature’.

The only thing pre-‘mature’ is his ridiculous attitude.

“I know there are other guys looking to get paid, but it’s not like there isn’t any money there,” Urlacher said. “They were $16 million under the cap before they cut (safety Adam) Archuleta (earlier this month). I don’t understand what they’re doing.”

Who the fuck is this dolt to comment on salary cap issues, anyway?

Listening to Brian Urlacher chat about the state of the Bears financial situation makes us tilt our collective heads up and drift away deep in thought on other relevant matters…like…what is Brian doing hiding in Arizona and whining about career obligations he has no intention of living up to, all the while his baby cries fatherless in Illinois?

See the pattern? OK, nevermind. Dumb guys don’t get ‘thinky’ stuff.

Bears’ management needs to seriously keep Devin Hester AWAY from Urlacher, Briggs, Harris, Peanut Tillman and all the rest…he’ll get poisoned against the franchise and will end up leaving for warmer climes.

What are ‘Official Team Activities’, anyway? Are they all gonna pile in Lovie’s minivan and go downtown to the top of the Sears Tower?

“I'm going to let God fight that battle for me”

Which ‘celebulete’ recently spouted that little nugget of overwhelming self-importance?

Why, it’s Clubhouse Cancer Terrell Owens, of course.

T.O. was promoting his appearance on the MyNetworkTV shitcom ‘Under One Roof’ when the conversation turned to his upcoming contract negotiations.

“For sure, I definitely want to end my career with the Dallas Cowboys, and go into the Hall of Fame as a Dallas Cowboy,” said Owens, “I'm going to let God fight that battle for me. There was a situation where the contract didn't work out in Philly. With this, I'm going to let it play out and not try to be a distraction.”

We’re not quite sure if TO actually believes divine intervention will assist the negotiations…or he’s just calling scumbagent Drew Rosenhaus his ‘god’.

Either way, the big dummy is probably going to be pretty disappointed.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Dallas Cowboys,Terrell Owens,Drew Rosenhaus

Bank forecloses on Sprewell's house.

It’s almost hard to be happy when bad things happen to bad people. Almost.

Latrell Sprewell, of course, turned down a three-year, $21 million contract extension with the Minnesota Timberwolves, issuing the instantly classic quote, which will forever be associated with the current era of unsurpassed NBA greed:

"I've got my family to feed."

That quote alone destroyed Sprewell’s chances to ever join another NBA franchise. Believe it or not, fans have shown they simply will not allow someone with an attitude like that on the team they support.

The recent wave of unemployed former MLB superstars proves that professional sports ownership is starting to listen to you, the fan.

As for Sprewell…what goes around, comes around, dude. We can’t wait until he starts to whine about how he is ‘blackballed’ from the NBA.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA Playoffs,Latrell Sprewell

The reason Manny Ramirez is streaking toward 500 homers…

He never got caught.

The funny part is that, in this case, Manny’s famous laziness is his most fortuitous asset. He was never quite as ambitious as Sammy, thus never attracted the spotlight or the intense scrutiny. 

Let that be a lesson to you all.

Settling for merely terrific in a chemically induced era will get you into the Hall of Fame.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Boston Red Sox,Manny Ramirez,Sammy Sosa

Gitchya’ Pop Tarts ready!

What? What do you eat while watching really, really bad ‘sitcom’ TV?

Anyway.

Clubhouse Cancer Immortal and aspiring nutjob ‘celebulete’, Terrell Owens is apparently making his situational comedy ‘acting’ debut this Wednesday on the show “Under One Roof”, which stars the craptacular Flavor Flav and is allegedly broadcast on MyNetworkTV, whatever the holy hell that is.

Still wondering why the ‘Big Tuna’ moved on?

At least people watch Jason Taylor’s nonsense.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Terrell Owens,Dallas Cowboys,Bill Parcells

Just Manny being moronic.

Boston Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez, known for most of his career as a defensive liability, would like to win a Gold Glove. There’s only one glitch. Manager Terry Francona wants to win ballgames.

“How am I going to win a Gold Glove if they take me out in the eighth?” the the Red Sox left fielder has been ‘joking’ since he was removed for defensive replacement Jacoby Ellsbury on Friday night against the Twins.

Then, the ultimate blasphemy:

“I think I’m the best ever to play left field in Boston.”

Umm…Yaz? You out there, dude?

Keep blazin’ away, Manny.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Boston Red Sox,Manny Ramirez,Carl Yaztremski,Fenway Park

    

Another Clubhouse Cancer desperate for the Good Old ‘Roid Days.

Why has that production fallen off so rapidly, Tubby? More ink might help.

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Andruw Jones,Los Angeles Dodgers

 

That didn’t take long…OJ Mayo took cash+++

Shocker. Does it really come as any surprise to anyone that this punk…who recruited himself to USC, mind you…was accepting cash, cars & clothes from some random piece-of-shit scumbag who was paid to befriend Mayo and then steer him towards a certain sports agency? Then, that same ogre sells the kid out to ESPN the very first moment he can.

Nice world in which these people live, huh?

We’re only surprised it took a whole month & a half for this to come out.

This kid Mayo chose to play for USC because he thought he could be the basketball version of Reggie Bush. Congrats, OJ! You almost did it! You skipped a couple of steps, though. Like, oh say…winning a couple of National Championships…Player of the Year honors…banging the hell out of a celebutante who has no talent sans a terrible sex tape…you know, that kinda stuff. You nailed the impropriety and NCAA violations, though.

The other thing you and your ‘people’ weren’t smart enough to realize is that Reggie has a big-time personality to go with his medium-time NFL skills. You are an illiterate loser with a lifetime of trouble ahead, but lack the intelligence to recognize it.

That’s the only good thing about growing older…we already know what’s gonna happen to this kid…he’ll end up in jail or dead by 2010. Tax evasion? (of which he is naturally already guilty) Violent crime? DUI? Conspiracy to commit multiple acts of assholitude?

Well done kid, you have continued the fine tradition of USC Trojan ‘OJs’.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,OJ Mayo,Reggie Bush,University of Southern California Trojans

Sexson sits for 6-games.

Richie Sexson is a bona-fide moron. True talent...but we got a good idea about that 5 cent head of yours, Meat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Seattle Mariners,Richie Sexson

Clubhouse Cancer ‘The Farnz’ gets suspension reduced.

Kyle Farnsworth’s suspension was cut from three games to one Friday by Major League Baseball following an appeal by the New York Yankees reliever.

On April 17^th, The Farnz whizzed a fastball behind the neck of Boston Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez. Dum-Dum wasn’t ejected and said the ball ‘slipped’. Natch.

Suspending a reliever for anything shorter than 20 games is ridiculous. This just gives The Farnz a completely free work-day to scam on chicks at the joints around Yankee Stadium.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,New York Yankees,Kyle Farnsworth,Manny Ramirez

Trump comments on sports laughable.

Who exactly is Donald Trump again? He’s some flailing reality TV star, is all we know.

So…why is dickless Trump making ludicrous comments on two-time AL MVP Alex Rodriguez?

In what world does Donald Trump think his unsolicited opinion on anything, much less athletic contests between actual men, means anything? Trump needs to stick to the pussified world of board rooms and pedicures.

If you pretend you’re important long enough, it seems some ignorant people might just believe you.

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Alex Rodriguez,Donald Trump

Jose Canseco’s women.

Since SI’s Extra Mustard gave us another shout-out yesterday for our scintillating piece on Jeter’s pieces…we figured we’d continue an obviously successful theme and throw up some pics of colleague Jose Canseco’s banked conquests.

Enjoy.

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Jose Canseco,Extra Mustard

Huggins hospitalized after tripping over cone.

Associated Press is reporting that West Virginia University basketball coach Bob Huggins has been taken to a hospital in Charlotte, N.C., for precautionary reasons after tripping on an airport tarmac and hitting his head on the pavement.

Umm…doesn’t the wording in that new contract prohibit substance abuse or habitual intoxication, Bobby?

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Bob Huggins,University of West Virginia Mountaineers

‘Mellow gets busted again.

Yahoo! Sports is reporting that Denver Nuggets blazin’ All-Star Carmelo Anthony got nabbed for going 60 in a 45, just three weeks after he was nailed for a dooey.

Since ‘character issues’ are among the newest challenges facing pro sports GM’s, this latest notch in the ‘Stop Snitchin’ pioneer’s bedpost can only hurt when the Nuggets are deciding if yearly first-round playoff exits are really worth all the fucking trouble.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Carmelo Anthony,Denver Nuggets,NBA Playoffs

Clemens met country singer in Ft. Myers dive.

Roger Clemens allegedly met country music slut Mindy McCready in a bar called ‘Melons’, a Hooters-ish joint in Ft. Myers, home of the Boston Red Sox and Minnesota Twins spring training, according to some bim that claims she was McCready’s roommate.

Having lived in Ft. Myers during the same time period, and having patronized Melons more than a few times, we find it hard to believe The Rocket couldn’t find a more age appropriate spring training paramour. In February and March, SW Florida is infested with 25-35 year old ‘cracka’ women desperately looking to hook ballplayers into giving them a baby.

This McCready broad needs to get back to looking hot...pronto.  

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,Roger Clemens,Mindy McCready,Boston Red Sox,Minnesota Twins,New York Yankees

Clemens gets ‘Bonds treatment’ from Feds.

Looks like the government isn’t anywhere near done kicking the teeth out of Roger Clemens massive, swollen head.

Although any extramarital relationships involving Clemens have no direct bearing on his denials of PED’s, it is possible that federal authorities will try and question the women cited in the newspaper reports to see what knowledge they may have about Clemens and performance-enhancing drugs.

See what’s happening to the people you dig after you called Senator Mitchell a liar, Rocket?

As part of the government's investigation into whether Barry Bonds committed perjury about his use of performance-enhancing drugs, the authorities questioned Kimberly Bell, who said she was his former girlfriend.

Now ‘the man’ is treating you like Bonds. How proud you must be.

Quit the asshole ‘tude you’ve been dishing out forever and baseball fans will still forgive, the Feds though…that’s another story entirely.

It’s time to come completely clean, Roger…they won’t stop until you’re in jail.

Clemens apologies…or does he?

Roger Clemens issued some sort of crazy statement Sunday night in which he kind of apologies to the public, but not really…and for nothing specific.

“I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media,” Clemens said in the statement. “Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”

OK. That’s fine. What exactly are you apologizing for again, Roger?

In the statement, Clemens continues:

“Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a fifteen-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false.”

Hang on now, Rocket…you’re straying from the ‘apology’ part.

Clemens refused to reveal the reason for unnecessary public declaration but concluded:

“I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of, but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do. I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

These newfangled bullshit quasi-apologies we’re starting to get are indicative of what these athletes think of you, the fan. They believe if they email out a press release and the word ‘apology’ is in there somewhere…they can demand you accept what they insist is sincere regret.

Is Clemens red-assing his high priced attorneys around like he red-assed everyone around MLB for the last 20 years?

Buffoonish Hank Steinbrenner attempts to de-douchify.

Yankees co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner said Friday he’s unhappy with New York’s play so far this season citing injuries as a  pertinent factor.

“The injuries have been a killer, there’s no question about that,” Steinbrenner said. “It happens to one team every year, sometimes more than one team. And it just appears to be our year. It’s something you’ve got to deal with in every sport.”

After a media fueled bitch-slap by Yankees GM Brian Cashman, The Baby Boss has changed his tune regarding the Joba Chamberlain situation and now agrees that Chamberlain could move from the bullpen to a starting role later this year.

“There’s no question, you just can’t stick him in there right away,” Steinbrenner said from the Yankees Spring Training complex in Tampa, “He’s got to be brought along properly. You have to stick with it (the plan).”

Uh-huh. Notice how Hank has been sent to Tampa and is exclusively toeing the company line these days?

C’mon Henry. Don’t puss out just because your first real blow-up as owner turned you into a national laughingstock.

Maybe it’s time to change managers?? Hmm? Hmm? We’re just sayin…

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,New York Yankees,Hank Steinbrenner,Brian Cashman

‘Character issues’ doom Perrilloux.

Thoughts on Les Miles’ dismissal of starting QB Ryan Perrilloux on Friday:

• It’s pretty easy to dump a guy when you have signed the top QB recruit in the nation as his replacement.
• Winning the Nat’l Championship 4 months ago makes it pretty easy to cut your troubled QB. You have a free pass for the next couple of years, Coach Miles. Winning will not be demanded of you for a while.
• With the stunning downward spiral of NFL draftees tabbed with ‘character issues’ combined with recruiting practices that are under more scrutiny than ever, Miles needs to be able to sit in high school athletes living rooms and guarantee parents their kid won’t be part of some unforeseen 24-hour-news-cycle scandal.
• Miles doesn’t need his legacy tarnished by a juvenile scumbag who just. won’t. fucking. behave.

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,LSU,NCAA Football,Les Miles,Ryan Perrilloux

Tigers sweep Yankees in the Bronx. Hank Steinbrenner mum.

The Detroit Tigers completed an historic sweep of the New York Yankees in Yankee Stadium for the first time since ’66. Unless the Tigers return to the Bronx for some strange reason in October, this was their last trip to ‘The House that Ruth Built’.

Not so easy to douche it up when your team sucks is it, Hank? That’s when The Boss shined. You gotta lot to learn, kid.

 

Technorati Tags: MLB,New York Yankees,Detroit Tigers,Hank Steinbrenner

Jose Canseco’s house foreclosed in L.A.

Definitive dickhead Jose Canseco’s 7,300 sq. ft. house in the L.A. suburb of Encino has been foreclosed.

“I do have a judgment on my home and it to me is very strange because it didn't make financial sense for me to keep paying a mortgage on a home that was basically owned by someone else,” he said in an interview that aired Thursday.

“You know my life, this financial thing, is a very complicated issue.”

Umm…ok, Jose. It’s not like the crapshack was in Malibu, dude…we’re talking Encino here. If you can’t make the payments on some shitty dump in the valley…then, why exactly are you selling out your former teammates and friends?

Hopefully, this means Canseco will soon be homeless, begging in the street for stale cracker crumbs, buuuuuut…probably not. Morons like him always have some Euro-douche ‘shipping heir’ who will give him a place to crash in exchange for ‘friendship’, i.e., coke & tranny hookers.

 

 

Technorati Tags: MLB,Jose Canseco,cocaine