Clubhouse Cancer

Erin Andrews is a Gator through and through.

 

 

If you honestly care about ‘Dancing With the Stars’, then there is frankly not much help I can offer, other than to suggest you root root root for sideline sports seductress Erin Andrews. I actually don’t think she’s much a ‘seductress’, but the syllables fit nicely.

Andrews seems like a cool chick, who definitely didn’t deserve what some douche put her through. And since she probably knows way more about sports than you, why not have your teenage daughters throw her a vote or two next week? (if that’s even the way the show works, which I have no idea)

The above video is kind of telling in a weird way. Notice at the very how Andrews looks like she is going in for the kiss on her partner and then stops at the very last second? I don’t really know what that means, other than perhaps Andrews needs a boyfriend. Hey Erin, wanna go to Cubs Opening Day on April 12 with a bunch of 40 year old (and one 39 year old, who won’t let us forget it) drunken, yet cool, ex-jocks? Sure you do. How could you possibly resist?  

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,ABC,Dancing With the Stars,ESPN,sideline reporter,Erin Andrews,Chad Ochocinco,peep hole,high definition video,Pamela Anderson,Wrigley Field,Opening Day,Florida Gators,Gator Chomp

Cubs keep Chad Tracy and dump Kevin Millar.

Hopefully the great chemistry Kevin Millar helped to bring to the Cubs clubhouse this spring…in the wake of Milton Bradley’s explicit destructiveness…will continue on well into the 2010 season…but it will have to do so without him. Millar was given his outright release today so the Cubs could keep the left-handed bat of backup infielder Chad Tracy.

I think that’s too bad. Millar would have loved playing at Wrigley Field and fans would have loved him right back. But, since Aramis never got his bum shoulder surgically repaired, they need a quasi-reliable backup at third.

Of course, Millar said all the right things when it went against him.

“You have no control of that stuff; it’s the organization’s decision,” Millar said. “It’s a miserable feeling from the player’s side. You hear, ‘Well, relax, don’t worry about it, don’t press.’ You’re human. I’m 38 years old and have almost 5,000 at-bats in the big leagues. You’re still going to try to press to do well. That’s the human factor. It’s your career.”

Millar should keep his spirits up, his hitting eye sharp and wait for the injury bug to bite.

And because I have no pictures of Tracy, who isn’t even on the Cubs 40-man roster, here’s a pic of Ronnie Woo-Woo wearing a Santa hat.

Less than two weeks to Opening Day. 11AM at the Blarney Stone. (cubs.com)

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Lou Piniella,Jim Hendry,Kevin Millar,Chad Tracy,Aramis Ramirez,Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers,Opening Day,Blarney Stone,Wrigley Field

Jeff Gordon admits he took Matt Kenseth out.

 

 

I like this new desperate-for-viewers NASCAR where the drivers freely admit what they did and why they did it. Wouldn’t you like to hear Carlos Zambrano really admit why he threw at some guy?

“Hey man, he stole my side scratch in Caracas on New Year’s Eve, homie!”

That sounded a lot funnier in my head than it reads on the screen. Do a really racist latino accent when you read it. See? Much better.

(I tacked the racing replay on at the end of the interview. ‘cause I’m just that cool.)

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NASCAR,Jeff Gordon,Matt Kenseth,Denny Hamlin,Martinsville

Something for the ladies.

 

Umm…no, Jason Gore, checkered pants are not slimming. That’s like the finish line from Tiger Woods life. (i.e., hell. try and keep up, ok?)

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,PGA Tour,Jason Gore,Tiger Woods,checkered pants,fat,tubby,obese,pudgy,big boned,husky

Three rookies make Cubs bullpen.

I was going to write: Rookies+Bullpen=2010 Cubtastrophe, but you have to keep your headlines broad to get page views, and not many people are googling ‘Cubtastrophe’…yet.

Left-hander James Russell is the third rookie…barring a trade…to make the Cubs pen for 2010, joining Esmailin Caridad and Justin Berg. Jim Hendry might be hamstrung for big ticket guys, but how hard is it to get some freaking veteran bullpen help? Hell, Chad Gaudin just got released by the Yankees. And while a Gaudin may not make the Yankees…the Cubs are not the Yankees. (chicagobreakingsports) (i also stole their photo)

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Chad Gaudin,James Russell,Esmailin Caridad,Justin Berg,Lou Piniella,bullpen,rookies,left hander,New York Yankees,Cubtastrophe

Craig Robinson is awesome.*

 

 

Another Chicago boy makes good. Let’s face it, Hot Tub Time Machine looks hilarious and is geared exactly towards a certain segment of slacker dudes who might be days shy of 40 and who also might not mind a way back to the glorious mid 80’s. Some of us had great 80’s hair, by the way…2010, you ask? Not so much…

Robinson is probably a White Sox fan. There aren’t too many more people I can allow to be Sox fans and have it still be cool. So, OK…there are now 2 people on the list. Obama and ‘assumed Craig Robinson’. No more.

 

^{*designation official}

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,ABC,Jimmy Kimmel,Craig Robinson,The Office,Hot Tub Time Machine,John Cusack,Clark Duke,President Barack Obama,Whitney Young High School,high definition video

Gabrielle Union is America’s hottest WAG*

 

 

D Wade would do well to hang on to her. I read where Wade said the Bulls maybe shouldn’t have opened up that cap space for him and I suppose I have to agree with him. If Gabrielle likes Miami, Gabrielle gets Miami. Chi-town boys aren’t stupid.

Speaking of Chi-towners and Kimmel…stay tuned…

^{*designation unofficial.}

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,ABC,NBA,Dwyane Wade,Miami Heat,Gabrielle Union,Jimmy Kimmel,Chicago Bulls,Jason Kidd,WAG,Wives and Girlfriends,high definition video

Frank Martin kicks ass at halftime.

 

 

Just as I’m posting this, the game is going into overtime.

UPDATE: Looks like it worked. Great game.

P.S. Can someone please inform Len Elmore that repeatedly saying “times out” is exceedingly obnoxious? Just call them ‘time outs’ like the rest of the world.

3/26 UPDATE: Dan Patrick and Jay Bilas agree with me, of course. Stop being so goddamn insufferable, Len Elmore. 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Basketball,March Madness,tournament,Elite Eight,Kansas State Cougars,Xavier Muskateers,Frank Martin,halftime speech,yelling,double overtime,Len Elmore,2 OT

You’re not in Gainesville anymore, Tim Tebow.

The dean of sports bloggers Mike Florio at profootballtalk.com is reporting that the ϋber-pious Timmy Tebow got a taste of what those who don’t revere him think of the former Florida QB’s habit of forcing religion down people’s throats.

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups.  The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: “Shut the f--k up.” Others players in the room then laughed.

That story should tell NFL teams a lot about Tebow’s potential to lead grizzly, hardened gridiron pros vs. his knack to whip idealistic and overtly reverential college kids into a spittle-flecked frenzy.

Talent talks at the next level, dude. If Tebow is gonna sit for the next 2-3 years minimum anyway, he is gonna have to tone down that nonsense in the locker room. But people like him think that when others tell him to pipe down it means he should speak even louder so, let’s not make too a big deal out of this.

He will be out of the NFL in 5 years and running for Congress in Florida by 2018. Mark my words. His natural ability to speak (if not throw a football), combined with fame plus all the super-religious stuff makes him a friggin’ dream candidate down in America’s wang. (profootballtalk)   

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Scouting Combine,Florida Gators,Tim Tebow,professional football,profootballtalk.com,Mike Florio,religion,fundamentalist,right-wing,tea party,Republicans

Kobe or Kareem?

Here is a picture from my service of the 2010 Los Angeles Lakers and it got me thinking. Who will eventually be considered the “better” player by NBA and/or fan standards?

Pretty much no matter what happens in the future, I think I gotta go Kareem on this one. Kareem often gets forgotten in the ‘best ever’ debate. Kinda like Henry Aaron in baseball. Kareem was so good for so long, we sorta just took him for granted. At 39 (for two more glorious weeks), I’m too young to remember Kareem at UCLA or Milwaukee. I only recall him first as an older statesman with thinning hair from the early 80’s, who wore those John Jefferson-esque goggles, and who loped up the court a few steps behind a dazzling kid named Magic. Yet, it was for him, the actual rules of college basketball were changed because he was so dominant and other-worldly. Yes, in 1967, the NCAA outlawed dunking a basketball because of Lew Alcindor, as he was then known. Kareem was ‘next-gen’ before that was even a term. In 1971 Kareem brought a title to America’s red-headed step city, Milwaukee, for god’s sake, that town’s last ever professional sports championship.

Here are some of Kareem’s NBA stats:

1969-70 NBA Rookie of the Year; 6 (1971, 1972, 1974, 1976, 1977 & 1980) NBA Most Valuable Player awards; 2 (1971 & 1985) NBA Finals MVP’s; 10 times All-NBA 1st Team; 5 times All-NBA 2nd Team; 5 times NBA All-Defensive 1st Team; 6 times All-Defensive 2nd Team; 19 time All-Star; NBA Career Leader in Points Scored (38,387); NBA Career Leader in Minutes Played, Field Goals & Field Goal Attempts; 2nd overall in Games Played; 4th overall in Rebounds; 3rd overall in Blocks; The Most WINS by any player ever and 6 NBA Championships as a player + 1 as an assistant coach.

Wow.

That’s pretty freaking impressive.

Kobe Bryant might be great, but he will never match that kind of utterly shocking dominance. I remember about 10 years ago, a good buddy of mine who works in the pro basketball industry predicted Kobe would eventually be considered better than Jordan. And while that probably won’t come true, Kobe is much closer than I thought he’d be back then, when I scoffed at the notion. Kobe still needs to win 2 or 3 more rings to be seriously considered in the discussion.

But, even 20+ years since Kareem retired, he still virtually stands alone.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,Los Angeles Lakers,Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,Kobe Bryant,Phil Jackson,best ever,UCLA Bruins,Milwaukee Bucks

The great David Spade funnies it up with Dan Patrick.

 

 

I don’t know about you, but I have always been a fan of Spade. Some people like Sandler or Rock, but I think Spade is freaking hilarious. I mean, I didn’t go see ‘Joe Dirt’ or anything ridiculous like that, but if I come bouncing across a ‘Just Shoot Me’ rerun or the transcendent ‘Tommy Boy’, I will usually watch for a while until, you know, ‘The Bad Girls Club’ comes on or something.

UPDATE: Spade, quit googling yourself. I can always tell.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,DirecTv,101 Network,Dan Patrick Show,David Spade,Adam Sandler,Chris Rock,Chris Farley,Tommy Boy,Just Shoot Me,The Bad Girls Club,high definition video,HD,HI-DEF

Clubhouse chemistry a big issue for 2010 Cubs.

Unless the Cubs win the World Series under the general management of Jim Hendry, the disastrous signing of Milton Bradley will loom as the unfortunate but defining episode in Hendry’s Chicago career. Fantastic deals like acquiring Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez and even missteps such as signing Soriano, Fukudome, Kevin Gregg, Jeromy Burnitz, Kent Mercker, LaTroy Hawkins, Juan Pierre, Cesar Izturis, (etc., etc.) will be eventually be forgotten, but Bradley’s treachery will stain Hendry’s resume forever.

However, due to new ownership not letting Hendry spend like an Irishman on payday any longer, it looks like the 2010 Cubs will be satisfied with just an upgrade in team chemistry, if nothing else.

Having rid the team of pesky positive influences like Mark DeRosa and Reed Johnson over the last couple of seasons, Hendry seems to have lucked into similarly upbeat personalities in the two highest profile acquisitions of this past off season in Marlon Byrd, Carlos Silva.

Even though Silva got hammered in his first spring training start, he has settled down thanks in no small part to another brilliant Hendry signee, special assistant and future first ballot HOFer Greg Maddux.

“His journey is hanging in my house!” Silva gushed to the Trib this weekend when asked about Maddux. Apparently Silva has also known the big man Carlos Zambrano since he was 16 years old and the Cubs think Big Z’s influence will help Silva readjust to the National League, where he had a promising start to his career with the Phillies.

“He can pitch. He has good pitches,” the Cubs ace remarked. “I don’t know what’s going on, but the last two seasons (in Seattle) it looks like he’s been distracted, doing something wrong.”

“It’s amazing when you fix one little thing.” Z said about Silva’s recent success.

Zambrano also put his stamp of approval on his new center fielder.

“I like Marlon Byrd a lot, the way he goes about his business. He just cares about playing baseball. He knows his mission is to beat that guy. People count more on (Derrek Lee) and (Aramis Ramirez) to drive in runs, but he wants to be part of those dangerous hitters and that’s a good thing.”

Byrd is also thrilled with his opportunity.

“To me, it’s an honor I have to protect Aramis (batting 5^th),” said Byrd who is hitting .355 this preseason. “It’s not an easy task. I did it for Sammy (Sosa) in ’07, and (Josh) Hamilton and Michael (Young). I feel I’ve done a good job of protecting guys. I know I’m going to get challenged this year, so it’s going to be fun.

“Teams are going to test, to see who’s swinging the (hot) bat. So you have to come out in the first game (of a series) and let them know, ‘Hey, you’re going to have to pitch to Aramis.’

“I know I’m a good baseball player, but (Ramirez is Ramirez). I put myself up to that challenge.”

Byrd also seemingly wants to distance himself from the guy many fans think he is replacing in the Cubs everyday lineup.

“I’m a happy guy,” he said. “These (teammates) are great. The young guys are watching a learning, and the old guys are leading by example.”

I absolutely promised myself I wouldn’t get excited about the Cubs this year, buuuuut… (tribune) 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Jim Hendry,Greg Maddux,Carlos Zambrano,Carlos Silva,Marlon Byrd,Milton Bradley,Derrek Lee,Aramis Ramirez,Tom Ricketts,Ricketts family

Jordan talks Bobcats ownership with Stuart Scott.

 

 

Ummm…Is Mike stoned?

Somewhere Jerry Krause is giggling.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,Chicago Bulls,Washington Wizards,Charlotte Bobcats,Michael Jordan,Kwame Brown,ESPN,Sunday Conversation,Stuart Scott,booyah,stoned,marijuana,Jerry Krause,Charles Barkley

Congress passes landmark health care reform legislation.

 

 

What could possibly be more patriotic on this historic and happy occasion than three Dallas Cowboys cheerleader lip synching the National Anthem?

USA! USA!! USA!!!

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Dallas Cowboys,cheerleaders,Star Spangled Banner,President Barack Obama,Nancy Pelosi,health care reform,House of Representatives,Senate,United States of America,National Anthem

Tiger speaks.

Tom Rinaldi from ESPN’s interview:  

Kelly Tilghman from Golf Channel’s interview:

   

 

 

I personally only have one question that cropped up from these two well orchestrated 16” softball games:

How can you be one of the most famous people on planet Earth, bang dozens upon dozens of bimbos and the filthiest porn stars available…all of whom were obviously dying to tell the entire world for their own despicable gain…and not have your friends and close confidants know? You’re gonna tell us that you would party with Charles Barkley for days on end in Vegas and he had no idea some grimy slut was waiting back in your villa? Please.

To me, that’s as unbelievable as Mark McGwire claiming ‘roids didn’t make him a better hitter. When Tiger gets back to therapy, he’s going to have to answer for that one. Unless he’s lying to his therapist too, which is entirely possible. If that’s the case, I predict he’ll be back on the troll within a year. Only this time…just get the freaking divorce, dude.

Another thing…Don’t you kinda wish we had gotten to know the ‘fun’ Tiger Woods? The main reason this was so damaging is because we had 100% no idea whatsoever this was going on. None. I mean, Michael Jordan himself was out whoring it up when he was married, too…but that wasn’t so much of a surprise to anyone with even a cursory knowledge of pop culture. Hell, well-known lothario Charlie Barkley is still married and he was caught with a pro.

Thank god this is finally over. Now, go get ‘em Tiger. Shred that hallowed track in Augusta.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,PGA Tour,ESPN,Golf Channel,Tiger Woods,Tom Rinaldi,Kelly Tilghman,Rachel Uchitel,Joslyn James,Jamie Jungers,Loredana Jolie,Jamiee Grubbs,sluts,whores,bimbos,The Masters,Augusta National,high definition video,HD,Hi-DEF

Carl Edwards booed at Bristol introductions.

 

 

I’m having a hard time reconciling my feelings regarding the Edwards/Keselowski incident from a couple weeks ago. On one hand, I want to chastise idiot rednecks who, like NHL fans, expressly root for crashes and mayhem. On the other hand, I thought it was fucking awesome and loved every second of it. In essence, Carl Edwards told NASCAR to go blow themselves, and that he will wreck anyone anytime he goddamn feels like it.

He’s like a pretty-boy version of Cale Yarborough. So dreamy, yet so filthy on the race track. Sigh.    

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NASCAR,Carl Edwards,Brad Keselowski,intentional crash,wreck

Someone at CBS is a Texas fan.

 

This was at the very end of a promo for a new CBS show called ‘Miami Medical’.

Hey, I obviously have no problem with it, but seeing as the Longhorns choked out in the 1^st round, CBS might want to rethink its collegiate marketing strategy.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,CBS,NCAA Basketball,March Madness,Hook 'Em Horns,Texas Longhorns,Miami Medical

CBS’ Seth Davis references the great Bababooey.

 

 

Although, I’m not entirely sure whether or not Davis is a Howard Stern fan and was trying to shoehorn in a tribute under the radar or actually thinks the word ‘bababooey’ means to fail at something.

And that fumbled Springsteen quote at the end was entirely weak.

UPDATE: I’m told Davis’ reference may be related to Bababooey’s slightly errant first pitch before a Mets game last season. If you think that first pitch is ‘ridicule worthy’, then you’re half a fucking retard and you need to get off this page and over to Deadspin immediately. They cater to your kind over there.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Basketball,March Madness,CBS,Seth Davis,Howard Stern,Gary Dell'Abate,Bababooey,Fred Norris,Robin Quivers,Artie Lange,Bruce Springsteen

Houston hits a halftime buzzer beater and Tim Brando overreacts.

 

 

C’mon Tim. Act like ya been there before, bro. This call is the equivalent of a Terrell Owens touchdown celebration. Overdone, unnecessary and obnoxious.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Basketball,March Madness,Houston Cougars,Maryland Terrapins,Adam Brown,three pointer,buzzer beater,great shot,Tim Brando,CBS

Longhorns choke in overtime of Round 1.

 

 

They really shouldn’t have even made it to overtime after the Williams kid from Wake Forest freaking traveled with 13 seconds left in regulation, up by 1, as he was inbounding the ball underneath the Texas basket.

The ‘Horns were actually up by 8 in overtime, before letting the lead slip and then, up by 1, Gary Johnson absolutely bricked two free throws which led to Ishmael Smith’s game winning jumper.

Has anyone gone from being the #1 team in the land to barely even making the tourney to losing in the first round as quickly as the Longhorns did in the last month?

Is it football season yet?

Hook em.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Basketball,March Madness,Texas Longhorns,Wake Forest Demon Deacons,Gary Johnson,Damion James,Rick Barnes,choke

Who is Dan Patrick?

Under the category “Patrick’s Day”, here was the $800 answer today on Jeopardy.  Bill Patrick is probably pissed.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,ESPN,Dan Patrick Show,DirecTv,St. Patrick's Day. St. Paddy's Day,St. Patty's Day

Snoop D-O-double-gizzle on Letterman.

 

 

Hilarious. J (oh, look. I just typed a colon and closed parenthesis to make an internet smiley, because I thought it would be kind of ironically hip and funny, and Microsoft Word…as if it were correcting my fucking spelling…popped up that real smiley face in its place. Score is now Microsoft – 1,815; Me - 0) L

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,CBS,David Letterman,Snoop Dogg,Top Ten List,Jimmy Kimmel,Microsoft Word,Sarah Palin

Make no mistake, Jerry Jones is the boss.

I was re-watching the Pacquiao fight from Saturday and noticed something interesting. I hope you can follow my nonsense.

So, you know how during major PPV fights, the promoters seat the big-time celebs in the first or second row facing the camera, right? Well, during the David Diaz undercard fight, I was chuckling to myself (as opposed to?) because the biggest celebs there were, of course, Dallas Cowboys. There was Aikman, Switzer, Deion, Jimmy Johnson and obviously, Jerry Jones. No Tony Romo either. Looks like you had to win The Man a ring to get invited.

I tried to clumsily blend screen caps and video to show the hilarious sequence:

Here is Jimmy, at the end of the 6^th round of the undercard, sitting smack dab at the middle of the ring, in what could be considered the best seats in the house.  

 

Now, watch closely as Jimmy answers a call, and he points toward the aisle. Then Jimmy and his lady friend, stand up and start to move. In the second half of the clip, right at the beginning of the 7^th round, a mere 3 minutes later, you see Jerry gladhanding his way in to assume the king’s throne, as is his privilege.

Here is Jerry, jutting out his jaw and gloating at Jimmy who looks none to pleased at the snub.

 

And, just to prove that he is actually the HNIC, Jerry stays in the same seat during the Pacquiao bout later in the evening. I have to give Jones credit for letting himself enjoy an event like this, instead of running around putting out fires like many would. Although I suppose that’s what he pays other suckers for.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,boxing,HBO Pay Per View,Dallas Cowboys,Cowboys Stadium,Jerry Jones,Jimmy Johnson,Barry Switzer,Deion Sanders,Troy Aikman,Manny Pacquiao,Joshua Clottey

Hey, listen.

 

 

The site’s gonna get better as we move toward baseball season, so hang in there with me, ok? By the way, it wouldn’t hurt for you to help me promote the motherfucking site you know (not you Jimmy). So actually, I blame this recent lack of production on you, dear reader (not you Jimmy).

So, anyway…I gotta watch Artie Lange’s Beer League right now…

“C’mon the bars in the city are open for 4 more hours!”

Leftover tidbits from Pacquiao/Clottey.

So 50,994 saw Pacquiao defeat Clottey at the new Cowboys Stadium and that was only 3^rd on the all-time U.S. boxing attendance list? Did Jerry Jones know that? I can’t believe he wouldn’t have cooked those books if he had realized he was less than 10,000 away from the record. Some dude lost his job in Dallas.

Did you see Pacquiao club Clottey like Moe? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk…

 

 

Jim Lampley needs a Thesaurus. Bang.

 

 

And the winner is…