Clubhouse Cancer

Travis Pastrana sets a world record for flying a car.

Or something like that. Hey, this ain’t exactly Evil Knievel over the Snake River Canyon…but I guess it’s what we got these days. Grumble, grumble…2010?

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,X Games,Travis Pastrana,flying car,ESPN,Evil Knievel,record,jump

Cubs sign controversy-free Marlon Byrd to play center field.

The Cubs made the obvious move Thursday by signing another of new hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo’s ‘disciples’, center fielder Marlon Byrd, to a 3-year $15M contract. The signing will move Kosuke Fukudome back to right field full-time…like he’s never heard that before.

I don’t know about Byrd. He’s always seemed a little ‘beefy’ to me to be an effective defensive center fielder. It’s not like he’s gonna have Yastrzemski in left helping him out too often on balls in the gap he can’t run down.

It doesn’t help that he makes outrageous statements on the day he signs his big-time free agent deal:

“I love Milton Bradley. I’m a little biased when it comes to him. I think he’s a great guy. I’m going to talk to him today about coming here. I’m sure he’s happy to start in another place, get a fresh start and try to put things in the past.”

That isn’t going to win you many fans, Marlon. Just wish him the best and never speak of him again. If you are too effusive in your Milton Bradley praise, the media will start to pick and pick and pick. Then, Fukudome will have to move back to center and Micah Hoffpauir will finish the season in right when you lose your mind and punch Gordon Wittenmyer in the throat.

Who wants to bet that Byrd doesn’t hear the mysterious ‘racist’ remarks from Bleacher Bums in 2010? (cubs.com)

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Texas Rangers,Marlon Byrd,Milton Bradley,Alfonso Soriano,Kosuke Fukudome,Wrigley Field,Bleacher Bums,Rudy Jaramillo,Lou Piniella

Is Texas Tech’s chancellor really a cartoon character?

 

 

The only things missing are the ‘dadgumit’ and maybe a ‘yee-haw’ or two.

“If’n ewe soo yer baws…”

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Football,Big 12,Texas Tech Red Raiders,Mike Leach,Kent Hance,Foghorn Leghorn,chancellor,fired,scandal,video,high definition video,HI-DEF,HD

Idaho finally makes the Humanitarian Bowl worth watching.

 

 

Remember how last year’s Humanitarian Bowl was sooooo boring and the one before that sucked and the one before that really blew and…well, you see where this is going.

Smart move of ESPN to give us guys that usually watch PTI nothing else to do but watch the crappy Humanitarian Bowl on the stupid Boise State blue field. What genius decides to hold a college bowl game on December 30 in Idaho, anyway? Lucky for us we only got to see the best bowl game so far this year. And lucky-as-hell Idaho head coach Robb Akey will probably keep his job. Everybody wins!  

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Football,Roady's Humanitarian Bowl,Idaho,Boise State,Bowling Green State,football,blue field,Pardon The Interruption,Tony Kornheiser,Michael Wilbon,Robb Akey,high definition video,HI-DEF,HD

John Buccigross loves him some Kevin Durant.

 

 

OK, dude. We get it. You dig him. We really don’t need to know about your man crush. Or Kevin Durant’s wingspan. Enough already.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,ESPN,Oklahoma City Thunder,Kevin Durant,John Buccigross,gay,homosexuality,guy love between two guys

Mike Leach fired by Texas Tech

 

 

Thanks, Joe Schad.

Since you never asked, here is what I think.

Adam James was a big ‘get’ for Leach and the Texas Tech program and the kid has turned out to be a whiny, soft, talentless, entitlement baby. The kid’s dad is a pain-in-the-royal-ass, who only remembers the treatment he was given when helping to bring the death penalty to SMU back in the 80’s. So, it’s no surprise that Leach might have kinda snapped and banished the kid to a dark room just to teach him a freaking lesson his rich, entitled daddy obviously never did. Then, the Texas Tech administration can claim ‘player mistreatment’ and jump at the chance to dump Leach and his big salary.

Well, at least UT won’t have to worry about Texas Tech putting up much of a fight for the next 20 years or so. TT goes right back to Rice & Baylor-type status.

Nice of ESPN letting Craig James use ‘The Worldwide Leader in Sports’ bully pulpit to shred Leach too last night, wasn’t it?

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Football,Texas Tech Red Raiders,Adam James,Craig James,Mike Leach,Texas Longhorns,ESPN

Carolina’s Steve Smith is tougher than you.

 

I hate that we have to differentiate between ‘Steve Smiths’ these days. Can’t the Giants WR be the ‘other’ Steve Smith, just like the Bears have the ‘other’ Adrian Peterson? Just a thought.

The original Steve Smith is so tough, not only will he throw a vicious block which springs a teammate for a touchdown, not only will he selflessly break his freaking arm scoring a touchdown himself, he is so tough he once devoured an entire wheel-barrow full of red clay just to prove the expression ‘shitting bricks’ isn’t merely a figure of speech. Now that’s tough.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,football,Carolina Panthers,New York Giants,Steve Smith,wide receiver,Chuck Norris

“Cutler sucks like Mr. Sports.”

That was a text message I received this evening from the bitter losing owner in my league’s fantasy championship game this evening. ‘Mr. Sports’ being my squad and, in the spirit of full disclosure, 2009 represents the 22^nd time in the past 23 seasons that Mr. Sports has not won its league championship.

I know you’re not really interested in someone else’s fantasy football team, and although Cutler played pretty well tonight, especially late, I thought that was a pretty good line. Anyway, I’m also testing out my new, very non ghetto video capture system.

Here are the Bears stopping Favre for the win. Here is Favre doing it again. Here is Cutler winning it in overtime. Bear down.

And the only thing that sucks worse than not even making the playoffs this year, is your little brother winning the whole thing. Trrrrrr-ust me.

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Chicago Bears,Minnesota Vikings,Brett Favre,Jay Cutler,fantasy football,Monday Night Football

A Festivus for the rest of us.

I also find tinsel distracting. Happy Festivus!!

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBC,Seinfeld,Festivus,Jerry Stiller,George Costanza,Cosmo Kramer,Michael Richards,Christmas,feats of strength

Texas A&M’s Derrick Roland’s freakish leg injury.

OK, so don’t watch this while you’re eating…or drinking…or, you know, breathing.

Texas A&M senior guard Derrick Roland Theismann’d his right leg tonight in a game at UDub. You don’t really see the actual break, just the aftermath with Roland lying on the ground screaming in agony…his leg obviously snapped in half.

Christmas is gonna suck around the Roland household. Unless Derrick gets the good stuff from the doc. Then, at least, he won’t remember his shattered athletic career for a while.

Get well soon, Derrick.

And, oh yeah…Go Texas. Hook ‘Em Horns.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Basketball,Texas A&M Aggies,Washington Huskies,Derrick Roland,Joe Theismann,broken leg,ankle,freak injury,vicodin,morphine,Texas Longhorns,video

Is the Vinny Del Negro era finally over?

 

The Chicago Bulls blew a 35 point lead with about 8:30 left in the 3^rd freaking quarter to the Sacramento Kings Monday night to run their record to a pathetic 10-16 this season.

So OK, hiring the front-office guy with no coaching experience on any level whatsoever hasn’t quite worked out the way you hoped, John Paxson. I think we can all pretty much agree on that. This nucleus of players has proven they are gutty and can win games, but they need legitimate, proven leadership. You are millions upon millions of dollars under the salary cap for next season, when you will presumably try to sign hometown hero Dwyane Wade, so why not prove to Wade and other potential big-name free agent signees that they won’t have to play for a loveable schmuck like Vinny Del Negro?

I have three words for you: Robert Montgomery Knight.  

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,Chicago Bulls,Sacramento Kings,Vinny Del Negro,Derrick Rose,John Paxson,Dwyane Wade,Chris Bosh,Bobby Knight

Sherman Lewis should have stuck with calling bingo.

Because, by the looks of this baffling fake field goal/punt, he clearly shouldn’t be calling plays in the NFL. He owes Hunter Smith a Secret Santa gift, at least.

 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,MNF,ESPN,Monday Night Football,Washington Redskins,New York Giants,Hunter Smith,Jim Zorn,Sherman Lewis,Jon Gruden,trick play,fake field goal,fake punt

Milton Bradley is about to hate his new team.

David Aardsma may only be known to most people as the very first player listed in the Baseball Encyclopedia, but it seems he is trying to change that by issuing veiled threats, through the Sporting News, to his bat-shit crazy volatile new teammate, Milton Bradley.

“As long as he plays the right way, comes to spring training ready to work and ready to be part of the team that we have – good guys (who) put their nose to the ground and bust their butts – we’ll take anybody,” Aardsma said. “His ability never has been the question. It’s the locker room-type stuff. As long as we figure that out, awesome.”

What if you don’t “figure that out”, Dave? What happens then? Are you prepared to back that statement up?

It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out you shouldn’t ‘poke the bear’, so to speak. Saying crap like that about Bradley before he even gets there is stupid and reckless. It can only have a negative effect. Doesn’t David Aardsma even read the Sporting News before he gives them idiotic quotes? All Bradley knows now is that one of his new teammates is telling him to shut up and get in line. Wait for Aardsma to claim his remarks were taken ‘out of context’ and issue the standard non-pology sooner, rather than later.

I’m just glad I can watch the impending train wreck from the safe distance of 1,500 miles. (sportingnews)

Since David Aardsma is a doofus, the above pic is his actress sister Amanda, who can most recently be seen as ‘sexy mistress’ in a 2007 CSI.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Seattle Mariners,Chicago Cubs,Milton Bradley,David Aardsma,Amanda Aardsma

Is Ochocinco sincere?

Listen, I appreciate that the guy’s friend and teammate just died under violent and tragic circumstances. But, to me, everything about Chad Ochocinco’s oh-so-tender continual tributes to the fallen Chris Henry seem a tad contrived. Chad is such a ‘media creature’ these days, it’s hard to take him seriously, even when he’s on his knees and the tears are flowing. He certainly knew every camera would be on him and a heart rendering performance was required.

However, there is the slightest possibility (OK, probability) I’m just a heartless bastard who can’t possibly recognize true emotion when he sees it.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Cincinnati Bengals,Chad Ochocinco,Chris Henry

Dennis Rodman wants to scam you out of 30 bucks.

 

 

Former NBA ‘bad boy’ (I hate that term, I can’t even imagine I just wrote it) Dennis Rodman has gotten himself a sponsorship gig hawking tickets to a raffle of a garish McMansion (valued at over $3 million!) in Ft. Luderdale. If you watch the video above, it shows a virtually unintelligible Rodman taking us on a ‘tour’ of this Sunshine State monstrosity.

A ‘portion’ of the raffle benefits The Mission of St. Francis in Ft. Lauderdale (the rest goes to the homeowner, who is running this auction to allegedly stave off foreclosure) and a quick Google search shows that institution as a homeless shelter and substance abuse facility.

I wonder if getting the Worm hired for this particular job is kinda like luring a dog back into the house with cheddar flavored ‘Beggin Strips’. “Heeeeeere you go, Dennis. Here’s some money for more of your precious precious alcohol. The check itself? Oh, you have to pick that up at The Mission. They just make you sign a few documents first. You should probably wear shoes without laces when you go. Or a belt. Why? No reason.” (rodmanraffle.org)

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,Chicago Bulls,Detroit Pistons,Florida Luxury Auctions,The Mission of St. Francis

Cubs provide a Christmas miracle.

ESPN and SI.com are both reporting the Cubs either have traded or are on the verge of trading Milton Bradley to the Seattle Mariners for crappy, overpaid rightie Carlos Silva.

Well, I’ll be. Giggity giggity good god bless us, everyone. (ESPN)

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Seattle Mariners,Milton Bradley,Carlos Silva,Christmas,miracle,Tom Ricketts

Carson Palmer reacts to Chris Henry’s death.

Here is some video of Bengals QB Carson Palmer making a statement about the sudden death of his teammate, Chris Henry. It sucks to say, but didn’t we all know this is how it would end for Henry?

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Cincinnati Bengals,Chris Henry,Carson Palmer,Chad Ochocinco,video,homicide,death

Jimmy Kimmel presents A Tiger Woods Christmas.

Charlie Brown only wishes.

 

(yes, it’s another ghetto video. you can stop with the comments.)

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,PGA Tour,Tiger Woods,Christmas,ABC,Jimmy Kimmel,Charlie Brown

Cubs sign Ron Santo to contract extension.

 

The Cubs biggest signing this offseason has been to sign Ron Santo to a contract extension through 2012. I’m sure Ronnie could still play right better than Milton Bradley even without those pesky legs.

The division is there for the taking and the Cubs are fighting with the Wrigleyville neighbors. Remember the great ol’ days when the Tribune owned the Cubs? (chicagobreakingsports)

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Ron Santo,Wrigley Field,This Old Cub,Milton Bradley,Tom Ricketts,Chicago Tribune

The extra-marital stuff won’t bring Tiger down…

 

…but the HGH will.

If you have read Clubhouse Cancer for a while, you probably know that I’m a big fan of Tiger Woods. The reason I guess I’m disappointed is mainly because of his choices in paramours. He chose every fame-whore, orange trash, golddigger West of the Mississippi. I mean, how did this scandal even happen? OK, it started with the fight with his wife over the Rachel girl. Fine. I get it. But why the hell did all these other ho’s crawl on their knees to the media? Just for the dough? Getting paid scale on Today is that big of a deal? It can’t be for the fame. These bim’s don’t even have names, just freaking #’s. They are the unfunny punch line to a collective national joke. In a year, Tiger Woods will still be the most famous athlete alive, still the great man, and these chicks will be blowing VH1 mailroom kids just to be considered for Rock of Love 8.

Anyway.

While I might be a fan of Woods’, it doesn’t mean that I have overlooked the fact that I always thought he was/is on HGH. While any performance enhancing drug might not help a guy with Tiger’s hand/eye coordination, they would give him greater ability to not only hit his monster fairway irons, but give him greater lower body strength to help rescue some of those monster errant drives. Also, if you look at him, he just has that HGH-y look about him, if you know what I mean. Cough cough…Albert Pujols has it too…cough, cough. Would it really surprise anyone that someone with Tiger Woods’ level competitive fire might just need the extra edge of a substance that the PGA Tour does not test for? (golf.com)

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,PGA Tour,Tiger Woods,HGH,Performance enhancing drugs,steroids,PED's,Albert Pujols,VH1

Joe Theismann shouldn’t run his mouth about punts.

Mount Super-Ego has erupted once again and this time Joe Theismann is taking dead aim at Redskins punt-return man, and former Super Bowl MVP, Antwaan Randle El. Theismann takes umbrage with Randle El’s 49th ranked punt return stats. (admittedly, that’s pretty poor)

“In every sunny day there’s usually one little cloud that sits out there, and for us, it’s Antwaan Randle El returning punts,” Theismann said on his Monday morning ESPN 980 show. “He averages 3.9 yards a punt return. I will say this in all humility: I could do that. Ok? As a matter of fact, I have done it. And I’ve done it better. I catch the football. This isn’t an I thing, this is and I don’t know what’s going on in management, when it comes to putting Antwaan Randle El back returning punts. He dropped a second-down pass, hit him right in the hands. Muffed a punt again. You know, in a game that was close, we would all be clamoring about what Antwaan did. Now it just sort of gets overlooked....It’s amazing to me, you cut Shaun Suisham because he misses two field goals, and yet you insist on allowing someone that has no production whatsoever to do a job returning punts.”

Yes, of course Joe Theismann was the greatest athlete in sports history. While that generally goes without saying, he will surely tell you if you ask. But Joe probably shouldn’t go criticizing someone around the punt game. This gives a perfect opportunity for guys with long sports memories like me to break out the video of Theismann’s 1 yard…yes ONE YARD…punt against the legendary 1985 Bears. I was actually at this game and remember it vividly. Enjoy. (washingtonpost)

1/9/09 UPDATE: Now with better video! 

 

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Washington Redskins,Joe Theismann,Chicago Bears,1985,Dan Hampton,Mike Singletary,shank,punt,Soldier Field. Antwaan Randle El

Andy Reid got mad hops, yo.

 

Too bad they didn’t do this jumpy hip bump thingy back when Bill Parcells was still coaching, or Mike Ditka, or Vince Lombardi. By the way, DeSean Jackson is ridiculous. Too bad he knows it.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Philadelphia Eagles,Andy Reid,Donovan McNabb,DeSean Jackson,hip bump,jump. celebration,New York Giants,Eli Manning,Michael Vick,chest bump

C’mon Tebow.

Tighten that up a little, dude. Seriously. You’re Tim freakin’ Tebow at the very, very, very tippy top peak of your popularity. Actually, you have probably juuuuust crested. It is all steeply downhill from here. Gotta make hay while the sun shines, bro. Practice squadding in Jacksonville awaits. Call Michael Phelps if you need a few numbers.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NCAA Football,Florida Gators,Tim Tebow,Urban Meyer,Colt McCoy,Toby Gerhart,Mark Ingram

Pat the Patriot busted in prosti sting.

Rhode Island State Police said they’ve arrested 14 people for prostitution-related crimes since a new law went into effect that banned indoor prostitution, including a man who plays the New England Patriots' mascot. Law enforcement sources told NBC 10 one of the johns who tried to pay for sex with a prostitute was 47-year-old Robert Sormanti of Warwick. He is one of several people who plays the Pat the Patriot mascot.

When are we all gonna remember that there are people under there people! The live and breathe and pay taxes and solicit pros just like the rest of us!

I’m guessing you can’t google this young lass quite as easily as you can ‘Holly Madison’ though, huh?

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,PGA Tour,New England Patriots,Pat the Patriot,hooker,prostitute,solicitation,Tiger Woods,porn stars

Ochocinco is a multilingual wunderkind.

Now, the former Chad Johnson is threatening to change his name once again, this time to ‘Hachi Go’, as that means ‘eight five’ in Japanese. Is this guy like Elvis or something? Are people around him afraid to tell him the number is ‘eighty-five’? Ochocinco is getting to be the Lindsay Lohan of ‘celebuletes’. His desperate cries for attention are becoming increasingly frightening.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Cincinnati Bengals,Chad Ochocinco,Chad Johnson,Hachi Go,Elvis Presley,Lindsay Lohan