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Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano debuted a terrific new look on the first day of spring training Friday. The fabulous new ‘Z-stache’ (as we are now calling it) will fit riiiiight in if he walks about 4 blocks east after a home game.
Thought is was a good headline. Nothing more. That is all.
OK, ok…CC is mostly a sports website. But this brain-dead moron is begging to be mocked.
How does McConaudouche NOT get that the great Jimmy Kimmel is making complete fun of him? Does Kimmel have top-shelf weed backstage in addition to his now legendary wet bar, or did McConaughey smuggle in his own?
He’s a Longhorn, too…so we should love him…but he’s such a fucking retard, it’s hard to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.
The only thing missing from this clip is McConaudouche flashing the ‘Hook em’ sign.
JK livin’, brah.
In our opinion, this is just lazy swimsuit issuing.
Danica Patrick is the least attractive ‘hot’ female athlete (are racecar drivers even athletes?) of all time, and posing her on a car is completely schlocky and unimaginative. Plus, let’s face it…we have all seen the video of her bitching out the infinitely hotter Milka Duno. Patrick is well-known to be a harpy shrew in an embarrassingly unpopular sport, and above all, she isn’t even any good.
Which leads us to believe one of her desperate sponsors probably demanded her inclusion in exchange for some guaranteed ad buys.
Isn’t the notion of the swimsuit issue kinda antiquated by now anyway? Doesn’t SI have the temerity to showcase female athletes on the way up their respective career ladders? Seriously. Danica Patrick? If they were gonna bore the hell outta us, they should have just trotted out Kournikova and moved on.
(as a 29 year subscriber, we feel obliged to make this comment, so suck it.)
C’mon now. Despite the seemingly earnest conviction, pictures don’t lie. Unless this chick is wearing flesh colored shoulder pads, of course.
How much longer before we get a teary-eyed ‘nonpology’ from Dara Torres?
Christ, does it hurt to right that. Why, you ask? Because there’s a damn good reason Schilling is known as a dickweed. That’s why. Now shut up and quit asking dumb questions.
BUT, when he’s right, he’s right.
Schilling took to the internet Sunday to post his comments on the recent ‘leak’ of Alex Rodriguez’ positive steroids test in 2003, and he makes a pretty cogent, if obvious, comment.
“I’d be all for the 104 positives being named, and the game moving on if that is at all possible,” Schilling writes.
Fair enough. Most of us would like to see that list too.
The former World Series MVP former goes on to write:
“In my opinion, if you don’t do that, then the other 600-700 players are going to be guilty by association, forever,” he wrote. “It appears that not only was it 104, but three of the greatest of our, or any, generation appear to be on top of this list.”
OK, that last part doesn’t make too much sense, and seems to have been written by a child (or ballplayer, same difference), but we get his mis-phrased point. He wants to know which players he K’d while they were juicing, of course.
There is one lingering question, however. Does Curt Schilling really think all this bluster puts him above suspicion? After all, he was one of the premier power pitchers of the ‘steroid era’…
Oh, and settle down…we don’t actually think Curt Schilling has any good intellectual points to make, we just wanted a convenient excuse to call him a dickweed and point an accusatory finger his way.
Ahhh…that feels better.
Former Atlanta Falcons RB Jamal Anderson was busted at an Atlanta area saloon for felony possession of coke and misdemeanor possession of weed on Saturday night.
That in itself is really not too surprising. Jamal Anderson’s career was cut years short due to multiple knee injuries, so he’s still a youngish guy with tons of dough to spend on blow and/or whatever else he’s into…coughcoughdudescough…
The interesting part of the story is the circumstances surrounding how he got nailed.
According to TMZ.com:
Anderson was busted inside a bathroom stall -- with another ‘fella’ -- at the Peachtree Tavern after a patron heard someone making a “snorting noise.”
The patron reported the “noise” to a bar security guard -- who happened to be an off-duty Atlanta police officer.The Atlanta PD tells TMZ the security guard went into the bathroom to investigate when he heard the suspicious noise. We’re told the guard then popped over the top of the stall and claims to have seen Anderson and another man doing lines of coke off the toilet tank. He immediately arrested both men.
First of all, what kind of stick-up-his-ass douche calls a bouncer about someone doing a couple lines in a bathroom at a bar? Second, doesn’t the Atlanta PD have rules about officers moonlighting as bouncers? We bet they do. Third…what kind of idiot does coke off the back of a toilet tank? Those things are white, for chrissake. You might miss some.
Here’s Anderson in better times on MTV’s Cribs:
High Times might end up looking something like this when big-time sponsors start to flee, and Phelpsy dives head first onto that ultra-American merry-go-round of the ‘desperate-to-stay-famous’ athlete. (see: Jenner, Bruce)
As we see it, the main problem with the whole Michael Phelps phenomenon is that it keeps extending the time we have to go on pretending we care about swimming.
Maybe Cheech Phelps could grow him out some dreds, hitch a flight to Jamaica and cross-train with Usain Bolt? Kind of a fastest-man/fastest swimmer in history kinda thing? What could they possibly have in common?
So, does Alex Rodriguez get his HGH from Madonna, or is it the other way around?
If you didn’t know this was coming, you need to pluck your head outta the sand for a while. Hey, look…it’s the 21st century! A black man is President!
This should finally give Jeter the opportunity he has been simply dying for to distance himself from A-Fraud once and for all.
Check out our friends at SI.com for the exclusive full story. And kudos to them on for their hard work on breaking the news.
USA Swimming suspended their meal-ticket for three whole months on Thursday due to his very public indiscretion with marijuana which was captured on film and published worldwide to the eternal embarrassment of the program.
Who would have ever suspected that swimmers smoked pot?
When asked to comment, Michael Phelps said, “I really prefer original Doritos to Cool Ranch, you know dude?”
As surprising as it may seem, it’s beginning to look like it’s Al Davis who is the smart, cogent adult.
One day after winning a tight recruiting battle for blue-chip prospect Nu’Keese Richardson, new Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin accused Florida’s Urban Meyer of NCAA violations regarding the recruitment of the FL high school standout wide receiver.
In the video below, Kiffin tells Volunteer boosters at a luncheon on Thursday how Meyer was blowing up Richardson’s cellie while the kid was on an official visit to Tennessse.
Good natured ribbing of your new SEC rival is one thing, but Kiffin has definitely crossed the line with these statements. It seems he is accusing a two-time National Champion coach of serious NCAA violations, just for a few chuckles from the Tennessee faithful at a lame rubber-chicken banquet.
No wonder virtually every single person that came across this moronic meathead when he was with the Raiders came away with the same feeling: DOUCHEBAG.
Couldn’t happen to a greater fan base to be saddled with an adolescent idiot such as Kiffin than the toothless, hillbilly, meth-head Volunteer supporters.
Why, yes…we did live in TN for a year or so, what makes you ask that?
Good ol’ Rocky Top…
UPDATE:
CollegeFootballTalk has posted a reply from Florida AD Jeremy Foley who claims, even if Urban did call Richardson while he was visiting Tennessee, there were no NCAA or SEC violations:
“There was no rule violation and we have confirmed this with the Southeastern Conference. It is obvious that Coach Kiffin doesn’t know that there is not a rule precluding phone contact with a prospect during an official visit on another campus during a contact period. His allegations are inappropriate, out of line and, most importantly, totally false. It is completely unfair to Urban Meyer, our coaching staff, our football program and our institution. The appropriate action at this time in my opinion is for Coach Kiffin to make a public apology.
“His comments not only slandered our coach, but he violated SEC rules by publicly criticizing another coach and institution.”
It will be nice so to see Tennesse go winless in ’09, won’t it?
(sorry, the video kinda sucks)
That means King James has to play power-bottom the next time these two down-low homeys share a clandestine Cobb Salad out by the Cleveland airport.
Still thoughtful, honest & classy after all these years.
Poor Michael Phelps. In the wake of getting outed as just another 23 year old American goofball who loves him some ‘kind’, the 14-time gold medal winner is moaning about his less than flattering press coverage of late.
“It’s something I am going to have to live with and something I’ll have to grow from,” Phelps told Associated Press outside the Baltimore pool where he trains. “I know with all of the mistakes I made, I learned from them and that is what I expect to do from this. By no means it is fun for me, by no means is it easy.”
He then caught a private jet to Vegas where he drowned his sorrows in an Olympic sized pool of perfect pussy.
For some reason, the US government has got the crazy notion that 7 time National League MVP Barry Bonds used performance enhancing drugs at some point during his illustrious, historic, legendary baseball career.
Surprisingly, word is now leaking out that a federal grand jury thinks Bonds just may have been a tad less than truthful when they inquired as to his suspected steroid use in December 2003.
“Who, me? You’re joking right? You are joking, you goddamned, pencil-necked motherfuckers?? Who the holy fuck are you to question the almighty Barry?!” Bonds is alleged to have said as he smashed his fists on a table in what was later described as some sort of uncharacteristic “rage”.
Associated Press is reporting that Bonds lawyers are asking to have some harmless evidence which was released today suppressed, in hopes of it not finding its way in front of a jury of his minions.
Among said “evidence” is a positive test for amphetamines in 2006 in a urine sample Bonds gave to Major League Baseball; doping calendars maintained by Bonds’ personal trainer with the initials “BB” and a handwritten note seized from his house labeled “Barry” that appears to be a laundry list of steroids and planned blood tests.
Bonds lawyers also moved to suppress 24 drug tests from 2000-06; more than two dozen drug calendars; BALCO log sheets; handwritten notes; opinion evidence on steroids, human growth hormone, THG, EPO and Clomid; witness descriptions of Bonds’ “physical, behavioral and emotional characteristics” — including acne on his back, testicle shrinkage, head size, hat size, hand size, foot size and sexual behavior — recorded conversations that didn’t include Bonds; and (of course) threatening voice mails allegedly left by Bonds on the answering machine of former girlfriend Kimberly Bell.
Oh.
That all sounds completely circumstantial. Isn’t it disgusting how the evil US government conducts these meritless witch-hunts on good, decent, upstanding members of society?
Next thing you know, we’ll be hearing that Roger Clem…wait…what?
Remember last summer when a mediocre Paraguayan javelin thrower captured the world’s heart at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing? Us too.
Apparently Nike did as well, and has now signed Leryn Franco to be their one of their main European spokespersons. We could post the link to the earth shattering news, but it’s in Italian, and who cares anyway? You just want to see pics of her, and since that’s pretty much why we’re here, we’ll shut up now.
Here is a link to a nice Franconian slideshow and you can click here to see some NS4W pics of Ms. Franco walking the runway in virtually all her god-given and surgically-enhanced glory. Enjoy.
Remember when Chris Cooley had to issue an apology for showing the tip of his miniscule white-boy wiener on his blog? Well, this time Santonio Holmes has nothing to apologize for. When President Obama nominates Art Rooney ‘Ambassador to Ireland’, he should seriously consider Holmes for the post of ‘Secretary of Schlong’.
We’re not quite sure how this pic got out there, but it’s been e-mailed to CC a dozen times (thanks pervs!) over the last 24 hours, so we have a journalistic responsibility to post it…just like every other small-time sports blogger out there.
Sigh…see the NS4W pic after the jump. Go ahead and click it. You know you want to. You know you’re going to. Quit wasting everyone’s time & CLICK already!
Thank you. That wasn’t so bad now, was it?
There can be only one.
…in the wink of a young girl’s eye.
The Boss croons the official National Anthem for us washed up ballplayers everywhere.
The most famous Arizona Cardinals wide receiver of all time…before Larry Fitzgerald…apparently likes what he sees. Tidwell has got to be divorced from that ball-breaking wife by now, huh?
After a completely mediocre season, it was nice to see Steelers WR Santonio Holmes…who was pulled over in October for ‘DWB’, then cold busted when cops found a couple of measly blunts in his possession…finally get his breakthrough, perhaps career-changing, MVP performance yesterday in SB XLIII.
On a related note…how fucking hiiiiiiigh do you think our boy Santonio got last night?
In the wake of yesterday’s potentially devastating picture which was circulated world-wide of swimming superdude Michael Phelps sucking on a glass bong at some random kegger (are they still called keggers, or are we showing our age?) at the U of South Carolina a couple of months ago, Associated Press is reporting that Phelps has nothing to worry about from his sponsors or the International Olympic Committee.
“Michael Phelps is a great Olympic champion,” the IOC said in a statement e-mailed to The Associated Press. “He apologized for his inappropriate behavior. We have no reason to doubt his sincerity and his commitment to continue to act as a role model.”
First a dooey in ‘04, now rockin’ the ganj with nary a consequence? It must be good to be the king.
In case you haven’t seen the pic:
Does this goof look like he really cares if he gets caught smoking a little weed? Nahhhhhhh…
As Marshall so cogently points out (on the NFL Network, easily the best post-game show in the business)…where was the flag?? Holmes is blatantly using the ball as a prop.
If the ref throws that flag, the game just might have turned out differently.
