For some reason, the US government has got the crazy notion that 7 time National League MVP Barry Bonds used performance enhancing drugs at some point during his illustrious, historic, legendary baseball career.
Surprisingly, word is now leaking out that a federal grand jury thinks Bonds just may have been a tad less than truthful when they inquired as to his suspected steroid use in December 2003.
“Who, me? You’re joking right? You are joking, you goddamned, pencil-necked motherfuckers?? Who the holy fuck are you to question the almighty Barry?!” Bonds is alleged to have said as he smashed his fists on a table in what was later described as some sort of uncharacteristic “rage”.
Associated Press is reporting that Bonds lawyers are asking to have some harmless evidence which was released today suppressed, in hopes of it not finding its way in front of a jury of his minions.
Among said “evidence” is a positive test for amphetamines in 2006 in a urine sample Bonds gave to Major League Baseball; doping calendars maintained by Bonds’ personal trainer with the initials “BB” and a handwritten note seized from his house labeled “Barry” that appears to be a laundry list of steroids and planned blood tests.
Bonds lawyers also moved to suppress 24 drug tests from 2000-06; more than two dozen drug calendars; BALCO log sheets; handwritten notes; opinion evidence on steroids, human growth hormone, THG, EPO and Clomid; witness descriptions of Bonds’ “physical, behavioral and emotional characteristics” — including acne on his back, testicle shrinkage, head size, hat size, hand size, foot size and sexual behavior — recorded conversations that didn’t include Bonds; and (of course) threatening voice mails allegedly left by Bonds on the answering machine of former girlfriend Kimberly Bell.
Oh.
That all sounds completely circumstantial. Isn’t it disgusting how the evil US government conducts these meritless witch-hunts on good, decent, upstanding members of society?
Next thing you know, we’ll be hearing that Roger Clem…wait…what?
