Because idiots…black, white, brown, yellow or green…shouldn’t be allowed to have a gun of any kind. And 90% of Americans are idiots. (not you, of course…but the guy sitting next to you…he’s the real idiot)
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November 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Brian Urlacher insures his son will never play football.
Who would have thought that current Chicago Bear middle linebacker and former ferocious football player Brian Urlacher was so open minded when it comes to parenting techniques?
According to court documents filed on Tuesday, when his 3 year old son Kennedy visits, Urlacher “dresses his son in pink Cinderella diapers and paints the 3-year-old's toenails blue.”
Aww…how sweet.
The kid’s mother, Tyna Robertson, (who tricked the numbskull into impregnating her in the first place) has threatened to block Urlacher from seeing the boy if he insists on keeping up the fancy fashion situation.
After the Tuesday hearing, Robertson claimed her son has become confused by the toenail panting and wearing pull-ups designed for little girls.
“He pulls down his pants and says, ‘Mommy, look how pretty they are,’” she said.
Robertson also said Kennedy told her, “Big boys paint their nails,” and said he refused to take a bath for two days to keep the blue polish on his nails from washing off.
“He’d say, ‘Mommy, I don’t want to get my nails wet. I don’t want to mess them up,’” she said. “It took two hours to get him in the bath.”
Big boys paint their nails? Christ almighty, dude. Little kids don’t say shit like unless they’re parroting back something they have heard from a dipshit, unqualified parent.
Hopefully for him, by the time young Kennedy Urlacher gets to high school…where he will be expected to be a BMOC football super-stud…the internet will have somehow been destroyed. If not…it’s gonna be a long, rough life.
Way to go, Papa Urlacher…smart, as usual.
So…umm…Warren. Buddy. Was it worth it?
You were once one of the fiercest, nastiest SOB’s in the NFL, dude.
Now?
Not so much.
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,ABC,Dancing With the Stars,Warren Sapp,Kym Johnson,homosexuality
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Are NFL defenses starting to play softer?
Tonight on MNF, the splendid Mike Tirico pointed out that there was an average of 51.9 total points scored per game during this past weekend’s NFL games. That’s the highest total since Week 6 of the 1987 season when replacement players were on the field due to the NFLPA strike!
So…the question must be asked: Are all these now frequent 15-yard penalties, huge fines and even suspensions for big hits actually starting to take their toll on the mindsets of NFL defensive players?
Due to the overwhelming early death rate of former NFL players, it’s obvious that commissioner Roger Goodell feels he has to help these big dummies, who…not only refuse to help themselves, but continue to loudly (and childishly) complain about the new stricter policies. Even ‘Iron Mike’ Douchebag Ditka, who claims to be fighting for the rights of disabled former players is railing against the sanctions now in place. As an avowed player advocate…shouldn’t ‘The Dit’ want these guys simply not to get crippled in the first place? Guess that’s not ‘tough’.
Hey, don’t get us wrong, we love big hits as much as anyone. There is very little more satisfying than when you lay a hit on some poor dude in which the back of his helmet hits the turf first. It’s like a tape-measure home run that you barely feel off the bat because it’s so perfect. But about 15 years after a crappy Division 1-AA college football career ended…and almost a dozen operations later…we sure as hell understand what Goodell is trying to do.
Hopefully, some of the more intelligent NFL players will start to see the bigger picture.
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Roger Goodell,Mike Ditka,Mike Tirico,ESPN,Monday Night Football
Monday, November 24, 2008
Apparently A-Rod is “a Kabbalah school dropout”.
Is Alex Rodriguez finally coming to his HGH-fueled senses?
MSNBC.com is reporting a potential faith-based split between super-duper knuckleheads Madonna and A-Rod. Seems New York’s favorite cleanup hitter is balking (ever so clever pun intended) at his new sweetie’s cultish ‘religion’, going so far as to even cancel private classes with a Kabbalah spiritual leader named Eitan Yardeni. (of course)
“He hasn’t even finished Kabbalah 1 (the introduction to the study of Kabbalah) and the majority of the time he’s spent with Yardeni so far was for counseling, not study,” says MSNBC.com’s source.
So, Madonna’s nutjobbery is somehow not enticing one of the biggest dummies in sports history into her ever-widening web of wackitude?
Wow. So…the crazy shit that used to work on geniuses like Jose Canseco and Dennis Rodman isn’t working on a new generation of brain surgeons?
Really sucks to get old, doesn’t it babydoll?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tom Brady’s career is effectively over.
Does anyone really expect the Patriots QB to fully recover from the devastating knee injury and subsequent infection setbacks he has suffered recently and lead New England back to the NFL’s promised land? We certainly do not.
First of all, 2007 was easily the best season of his brilliant HOF career. However, anyone with a brain knows he was never going to be even remotely as good as he was last year. You don’t follow-up the best season in NFL history with a better, or even an equal one. His career had no place to go but down, and that was before a traumatic knee blowout.
Second and more importantly, according to the Boston Herald, the status of the patellar tendon graft, which replaced Brady’s torn ACL, remains unclear. If the staph infection that occurred after the initial surgery reappears…Brady will undoubtedly have to undergo a second ACL replacement procedure, which will likely prematurely end his 2009 season. At his rapidly advancing age, you cannot basically take two years off and expect to play anywhere near the level at which you played previously, if even at all. And, if the ‘Golden Boy’ tries to play hero and rush back too quickly…he has the frightening Daunte Culpepper scenario to worry about.
So, if and when Brady returns, he will be significantly less mobile than before (if that’s even possible) and he’ll be a couple of years older in a league where age itself is overtly discouraged.
It was fun while it lasted, Tommy boy…but perhaps you should take the Aikman route and hit the broadcast booth sooner, rather than later. The HOF will still come a callin’ in 5 short years. Look at the bright side…you’ll have more quality time to spend with your kid.
Say goodnight, Giselle.
LOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!
The Chicago Cubs’ Sweet Lou Piniella won his third Manager of the Year award on Wednesday, kicking the shit out of that decrepit old man Charlie Manuel in the process.
Now, let’s turn our attention to the 2009 daily lineup, Lou. The Riot at the top, D Lee hitting second and Clubhouse Cancer Soriano third. Also, Mark DeRosa is your everyday second baseman. Just because avowed steroid abuser Brian Roberts hits left-handed doesn’t mean he fits on the Cubs. Tell that to Jim Hendry, please.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Spurs top Marbury’s wish list.
Now that Tony Parker is out for a while, the NY Post is reporting that pathetic Knicks ‘point guard’ Stephon Marbury is interested in possibly joining the San Antonio Spurs if he is cut loose by the proud franchise he has so thoroughly embarrassed.
Wait…did you just hear that?
That’s the sound of Tim Duncan laughing hysterically.
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,San Antonio Spurs,New York Knicks,Stephon Marbury,Tony Parker,Tim Duncan,Starbury
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Congrats to Geo Soto, NL Rookie of the Year.
Hopefully, Geovany Soto will be behind the plate for our beloved Cubs for at least 10 more years…before he goes big-time free agent to the Yankees. Derek Jeter should be the Yanks skipper by then.
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,National League,Rookie of the Year,ROY,Geovany Soto,Chicago Cubs,Wrigley Field
Monday, November 10, 2008
Keyshawn Johnson calls Anquan Boldin “a class act”.
Tonight on ESPN’s MNF pre-game circle-jerk, Keyshawn Johnson…somehow mistaking himself for Jerry Rice or Walter Payton…likened Arizona Cardinals receiver Anquan Boldin to himself (natch) because he “goes over the middle to get the tough yards.”
Wait…huh? Run that by America again, Keyshawn. They haven’t stopped laughing in Tampa. (or Carolina…or New York…or Dallas…)
Why is a guy like Cris Carter…a certifiably tough as nails SOB who really did go across the middle and take countless cheap shots from brutal linebackers on the way to a HOF career…letting his boy ‘Key’ get away with revisionist BULLSHIT like that?!?
Keyshawn Johnson was easily one of the softest receivers of his day. Tippy toeing along the sidelines while Deion Sanders nudges you out of bounds is not quite getting the “tough yards”, Keydouche. His hardass NFL contemporaries such as Marvin Harrison and Issac Bruce make Johnson look like a ‘No on Prop 8’ voter. (which we would have voted NO for, had we lived in Cali)
And then there’s that “class act” comment.
Johnson thinks Boldin is classy just because…after Anquan spent the entire offseason demanding to be traded…he hasn’t continued his threats because he is now helping the Cardinals dominate the NFC West? Didn’t see that coming, ‘Quan?
Keyshawn Johnson has no place commenting on the classiness (or lack thereof) of any person on planet Earth, much less a player in the NFL. He was, quite possibly, the least classy player in American sports history…well, of anyone not named Bonds, that is. This is a guy who wrote an autobiography and titled it Just Give Me the Damn Ball! after his rookie year! We hear that even Terrell Owens goes to Johnson for asshole advice.
Keyshawn was so “classy” himself, they now actually call the act of a team sending a player home and paying his entire salary, just so you don’t have to put up with that player’s crap anymore, as getting “Keyshawn’d”. Puh-fucking-leeze.
Keyshawn Johnson wouldn’t know classy if it pulled out early and finished on the small of his back.
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,ESPN,Arizona Cardinals,Keyshawn Johnson,Anquan Boldin,Walter Patyon
Sunday, November 09, 2008
At least Jevon Kearse is clever.
You just know he spent hours thinking up this 9-0 tape dealie…but it is something we’ve never seen before, so props to ‘The (former) Freak’ for originality on a gloomy Chicago day which saw frustrated Bears fans longing for the QB mastery of Kyle Orton…or Mike Tomczak…or Peter Tom Willis…or Rusty Lisch…or Cade McNown…or…well, you get the picture.
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Chicago Bears,Tennessee Titans,Jevon Kearse,The Freak,tape,9-0,undefeated
Saturday, November 08, 2008
MJ wants sole ownership of Bobcats.
According to Associated Press, basketball deity Michael Jordan is making it known that he is interested in purchasing the rest of the Charlotte Bobcats if and when current owner Bob Johnson decides to sell his controlling interest in the team.
Jordan bought a minority stake in the Bobcats in 2006 and Johnson gave him total control over the team’s basketball operations.
“When Bob wants to step aside, I have no problem stepping in and saying, ‘Hey, look, I’d love to take control of this franchise,’” Jordan said in a story on the newspaper’s website. “But Bob, he’s not at that point now. He still enjoys owning the basketball team.”
Listen…as an athlete, Michael Jordan can do little wrong in our eyes. If you lived in Chicago during the 90’s, you obviously know of what we write.
MJ simply is basketball.
HOWEVER, His Airness (like the rest of us do at a much earlier age) needs to do a little self-examination and learn his limitations. Trying to pretend he’s a basketball executive is most definitely one of his downfalls. His ultra-competiveness does not translate to the subdued tone of a front office. Plus, he’s just never there. The same complaints about his seemingly part-time tenure with the Washington Wizards are now popping up in Charlotte. You can’t run your franchise from Chicago, Mike.
There is also another factor prohibiting Jordan’s success as a high level team exec…he’s a single guy once again. He’s out on the prowl for tail every night of the week and his ‘employees’ know it. It’s hard to have real respect for your boss when he’s outpulling you on the nightly trim hunt. Plus, jet setting to Vegas every weekend, only to then have salacious (yet fun) pictures splashed across the blogosphere, doesn’t really help MJ’s credibility.
If and when Mike settles down and acts like the responsible business man he wants the world to see, instead of the typical dumb jock stereotype he is currently portraying…he might have a chance at real success. Until then, Jordan should let Bob Johnson keep the struggling Charlotte franchise.
Here’s why we’ll always worship Michael, though. We chide because we love. He did it to himself. If he wasn’t just so fucking good on the hardwood, we might overlook his liabilities as a businessman. (Like we do ‘No Tippin’ Pippen’)
Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NBA,Charlotte Bobcats,Chicago Bulls,Michael Jordan,Bob Johnson,pussy
Friday, November 07, 2008
President Obama to get his own Upper Deck trading card.
Looks like Barack Obama won a tad more than just the measly Presidency on Tuesday. He also won the right to be featured on his own trading card (hooray!) in Upper Deck’s ‘Presidential Predictor’ series. The card will only be distributed through select hobby shops across the US, with no shop receiving more than 100 cards, so as to keep demand high.
The back of President Obama’s card reads:
With his victory in this year’s U.S. presidential election, Barack Obama made history in more ways than one. Not only was he the first African-American to be nominated by either party as a candidate, but he is now the first of his race to be sworn in as Commander-in-Chief. Just like Tony Dungy’s accomplishment in 2007 when he became the first African-American head coach in NFL history to win a Super Bowl, Obama did the same for White House politics in 2008. “Change We Can Believe In” was his campaign slogan throughout the year. Now it’s time to start believing.
Here is a full list of shops around the country which will be distributing the cards as a gift with purchase of any Upper Deck product.
This one should fit in the Clubhouse Cancer trading card collection quite nicely next our prized autographed 1978 Larry Biitner.
And, just for shits & giggles, here is a pic of Obama and Governor MILF we would have loved to see come true:
“Zero chance” Cuban will own Cubs.
Chris DeLuca, the Chicago Sun-Times fantastic baseball scribe, is reporting today on the progress of the sale of the Cubs and…with regard to billionaire playboy Mark Cuban’s potential purchase of the team…quotes a MLB source as proclaiming, “There’s no way Bud and the owners are going to let that happen.” The source concludes that there is “zero chance” Cuban will be allowed to purchase the historic franchise, along with baseball’s Mecca, Wrigley Field.
The momentum of the transaction has slowed precipitously in recent months due to the nation’s sharp economic downturn, so it is quite surprising a big-bucks bidder like Cuban would be eliminated so hastily.
However, things are so bad in curmudgeon Sam Zell’s sad, money-grubbing world that he may actually seek to retain a 50% stake in the Cubs total package to keep bidders faced with a sudden credit crunch interested in pursuing the process.
“We’ll be standing here at next year’s GM meetings,” the source said, “and this will still be unresolved.”
Terrific.
We have been unabashed critics of Cuban’s acquisition of the Cubs (and at least one person from his blogsite is a regular visitor to Clubhouse Cancer), and will continue to be until he is officially eliminated as a contender, but something also has to be said about this shitheel Sam Zell.
The Chicago Cubs, a proud original member of the National League with a legion of loyal fans, should not be used as just another commodity whose future is bartered and bandied about at the whim of a soulless, yet wealthy, puppet-master.
Of course, it’s not like Zell (an avid White Sox enthusiast) cares about the franchise or its fans, anymore than he can squeeze them for more precious, precious nickels and dimes. (we know, just like everyone else on Earth these days…but we reserve the right to be idealistic and highly critical on this site)
And oldie, but goody:
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Happy 21st birthday Ana Ivanovic!
The vodka is on us all night long, baby!!
Seriously…what kind of douchey (yet lucky) Euro-trash is this blazing-hot ‘celebulete’ gonna party with tonight?
And, of course…a little birthday-girl camel toe.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
History.
First…there was Jesse.
Then…there was Jackie.
Now…the world has Barry.
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States.
