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Yeah, that Usain Bolt.
The Jamaican speedster, who smartassily doesn’t even consider the 100 meters his ‘best race’, set the world record Saturday night with a time of 9.72 seconds, .02 faster than the old record held by his countryman, Asafa Powell.
We don’t consider speed drinking to be our best event, either…but we do hold several Midwest regional records.
Kimbo Slice was one of them.
GOD. DAY-UM.
Hey, Thompson…want some broccoli with that cauliflower ear?
King Peyton hath spoken.
Mike Vanderjagt, the most accurate place-kicker in NFL history, has announced he will return to play for the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, where he started his pro career.
Sure, missing a couple of clutch kicks doesn’t help you keep your big-time NFL job, but when you piss off THE ‘man’, you simply don’t get to play anymore. Teams don’t want anything to do with you. Fans justifiably worship Peyton and having a dick like Vanderjagt on your team is akin to public relations suicide.
Clubhouse Cancer is a term rarely reserved for a bigger douchebag than Mike Vanderjagt.
No one has ever accused Pete Rose of possessing that pesky thing called intelligence.
According to the ‘Hit King’, if steroids had been widely used when he was playing baseball, "I would have got 5,000 hits."
Umm…that’s not really how it works, Pete.
PED’s help build you up so your bat speed monumentally increases, thus turning former ‘warning-track flies’ into monster bombs. Perhaps Pete may have hit a few more doubles & triples, but since he was always bustin’ in from the crack of the bat, probably not that many.
Just to think, Pete could have been the only guy not in the HOF with 4,000 and 5,000 hits!
Rose should stick to the only things he really knows best: lying, cheating & stealing.
RELATED:
Pete Rose will never make the HOF.
Hey Jess, we hear he’s siiiiiiingle. That young boy is the hottest thing in America right now. Time to jump on board the Bee train!
We can see it now: Newlyweds II: Spell this, baby!
Let's look forward to another legendary series and back at some classic moments.
We don’t speak a lick of Japanese, but these announcers seem completely repulsed by Mariah Carey’s laughable attempt at throwing out the first pitch.
You know you’re a campy caricature when they make fun of how cartoonily ostentatious you are in Japan.
If she was 14 or something, this still wouldn’t be nearly as cutesy as she obviously thinks it is, but goddamn Mariah Carey is almost 40 fucking years old!
She probably gets $50K for a ‘half & half’ in Tokyo.
In honor of the Rockies’ coach, back at Wrigley for a four game set against the Cubs, we proudly present the longest home run in the history of man, on May 11, 2000.
Now that we think about it, Hill was probably ‘juicing’, too. Why wouldn’t he? He was an inconsistent power hitter, who needed to hit bombs like this to stay in the league. Well done, G.A. (update: just went back and looked at the Mitchell Report which, of course, included Hill’s name)
We have another pretty good story in reserve about Glenallen, and should he ever do something un-worthy, it shall be happily reported in this space.
But he doesn’t suck at basketball. He’s actually very good. Really.
Now, the Texas Rangers washed-up, has been President Nolan Ryan has gone and done it.
The Dallas Morning News is reporting Ryan is going around comparing drug addict turned decent ballplayer Josh Hamilton to New York Yankee legend and Dallas resident-until-death, Mickey Charles Mantle
IS NOLAN FUCKING RYAN MOTHERFUCKING JOKING OR JUST PLAIN FUCKING STUPID??????
That is all.
Oh, so now that Clubhouse Cancer gave him a little well-deserved shit, Brian Urlacher is gonna back down from his threats and actually show up to mandatory Bears mini-camp?
Good.
Bitch.
Nice and mellow when your average is that ‘high’, huh Chip?
Is it ironic that the ‘Redskins’, which is vernacular for ‘Indians’, who were misnamed in the first place because Columbus didn’t know where the hell he was…now have scantily clad cheerleaders performing for actual Indians? Or is it just weird how into a few crappy cheerleaders the whole backwards-ass country is? We think we’re repressed?
Here in the good ‘ol USA, we get bored of cheerleaders at about age 12. Then, we move onto those poor, slutty chicks who couldn’t make the squad, but still worship the big, tough football players.
This is directly lifted from maximonline.com. The fact that it is posted here should probably be looked at more as an ‘homage’ than an outright theft.
5. Chorizo (Milwaukee Brewers)
We´re OK with the Hot Dog, the Italian and Polish Sausages, and the Bratwurst. But suiting up the multilingual Chorizo in a sombrero and forcing him/her/it, likely under threat of deportation, to do the Mexican Hat Dance? The Brewers might as well add a yarmulke-wearing Brisket and Afroed Drumstick to the competition.
4. Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays)
This "seadog" merits a beating for his blog´s exclamation point abuse alone. But his in-game shenanigans are so lifeless and scripted, you´d think the guy in the suit was just a between-jobs actor forced to take this gig to support the kid he sired with the chick who played the preacher´s daughter in the St. Pete Playhouse production of Footloose LIVE. No?
3. David Eckstein (Toronto Blue Jays)
Wait, he actually plays in the games? You don´t say. For all the talk about the effort Eckstein exerts, the energy he exudes, and the hope he gives to future generations of runt-bag jocks, we assumed he was either a stuffed animal or media-manufactured fodder for old, nostalgic white fans.
2. Screech (Washington Nationals)
We get it: Washington, D.C., is ground zero for American ideals, so an eagle makes sense. Yet the Nats have constructed an elaborate backstory around him involving the discovery of an egg at the stadium site and the fight to keep it away from local conservationists. That´s the kind of prank the jihadists would pull.
1. Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox)
As promotions-department-fabricated legend has it, this cheap Grimace knockoff has been residing inside the Green Monster since 1947, subsisting on a diet of discarded peanut shells and weeping silently whenever Manny Ramirez unleashes a torrent of urine on his foot during pitching changes.
Brilliant. The first thing we thought of earlier this year when the first outdoor game took place in Buffalo was how perfect Wrigley would be as a hockey venue.
Since former Cubs Prez. John McDonough now holds the same position with the Blackhawks, this was a no-brainer from the jump.
By then, we should have full media credentials, so we will be blogging live from the historic event.
RELATED:
Marissa Miller pics from 4/18 at Wrigley Field
Clubhouse Cancer’s source within the Chicago Bulls organization has confirmed
Collins, who led the Bulls once before, from ’86-’89 was famously dumped in favor of some chill dude named Jackson. (On a personal note: We were sitting in the left-field bleachers at Wrigley when we heard of Collins’ first firing. When our female companion relayed the info she had just heard, we told her how gullible she was to believe that crap, because ‘Bleacher Bums’ will try to hook you in any way possible. Needless to say, that was the final outing for the two of us.)
Collins is the only ‘big name’ coach the Bulls could get on the cheap. He is now perfectly positioned for the exact scenario as his previous Bulls tenure…take a hungry young team with a burgeoning superstar (Rose) deep into the playoffs and then get fired for not being able to win a championship.
Luckily, Collins is a ‘Chicago guy’ and will be afforded a little more latitude than someone like Kurt Rambis or Ty Corbin, plus he knows how Reinsdorf really works.
RELATED:
Clubhouse Cancer Exclusive: Bulls to take Rose #1.
D’Antoni stiffed Bulls due to Reinsdorf’s inherent…ahem…‘thriftiness’.
The Federal Bureau of Investigations has questioned country singer Mindy McCready, who allegedly had an affair with Roger ‘The Limp Unit’ Clemens, as it investigates whether Clemens perjured himself before a congressional committee, the New York Daily News reported for Thursday editions.
The Feds are after Roger, plain and simple. He has got to get some better consul. Unless he changes his own aggressive tack, he is going to jail, of that there can be little doubt.
When the guys in black hats show up to interview your former piece-of-ass, then they are turning over every stone in a mighty effort to not only gain damning info, but publicly embarrass your wife into coming forward and crushing you into oblivion.
On a side note, can we get this broad on ‘Celebrity Fit Club’ or something?? If she’s gonna get dragged through the mud for the next year, we need some recent, and MUCH more attractive, pics to post.
RELATED:
McCready to sing the Rocket’s praises.
Clemens met country singer in Ft. Myers dive.
Is ANYONE loyal to The Rocket?
26 years ago, fans of the Boston Celtics urged the Philadelphia 76ers to: “BEAT L.A.! BEAT L.A.!!”
We are hereby calling on Detroit Pistons fans to continue this noble NBA tradition.
Jesus Shuttlesworth, that is.
Welcome back to the dance, Ray Ray.
RELATED:
How does Kevin Garnett signal the world of his jubilation?
An e-mailer into Clubhouse Cancer confirms that the Chicago Bulls will select Memphis point guard Derrick Rose with the number one overall pick in the 2008 NBA Draft.
Our source, a Bulls staffer, claims GM John Paxson is blown away by Rose’s potential and is satisfied the 19 year old won’t be affected by potential ‘negative influences’ in coming back to play in his hometown of Chicago where he led Simeon HS to two state titles.
These days, Rose can be seen with a huge entourage ‘working out’ at Hoops The Gym in Chicago.
It’s gonna be pretty tough for #1 (as his buddies are now calling him) to turn down greedy ‘friends’ and family after just one short year away from home, but Pax knows he can’t miss out on the ‘next’ Chris Paul, Deron Williams or Dwyane Wade.
Because he can never just tell the whole fucking truth.
On Dan Patrick’s radio show today, the ‘Hit King’ as he douchily likes to call himself, admitted that he would bet $2K per game when he would bet on the Reds when he was the manager back in the mid-‘80s. He previously had only admitted to betting around a grand a game.
Pete always conveniently leaves out that when he didn’t bet on the Reds, it was a sign to the entire Vegas gambling community…who, to a man, intimately knew Rose’s gambling patterns…it was time to load up the other way.
Christ, what a fucking dick. He literally begs to get in the HOF, but he can’t come clean, without trying to profit from some convoluted version of the truth by writing an unreadable book or some other money-grubbing scheme.
Anyone who has been to Cooperstown for Induction Week has seen Rose set up in some card shop squeezing every nickel he can and usurping as much attention as possible.
Keeping him out is as much public relations as it is anything else. Remember, the National Baseball Hall of Fame & Museum has no official affiliation with MLB. Sure, they enshrine mostly MLB players, but it is an entirely private and separate enterprise.
The HOF has no executive mandate to keep him out. NONE. They just do because he’s banned from baseball and he’s such a shady, unlikeable dick, there’s no real reason to let him in.
Plus, he’s still lying.
He could play the goddamn game, though.
Charlotte Bobcats President of Basketball Operations, Michael Jordan heaped praise on the new post-Isiah Thomas Knicks regime Tuesday night, according to the New York Post.
“I love Donnie,” Jordan told The Post when questioned about Knicks President and fellow UNC alum Donnie Walsh, at the NBA's pre-draft camp. “I think they’re going to do OK. They’ll be fine.”
"[D'Antoni's] proven he can coach," Jordan added. "He's had some winning programs. I don't think it's going to be different in New York.”
Anyone who has ever spent a single moment around Mike knows that was a double-pump, reverse slam on ‘Zeke’.
The fact that Mike just hired the UNC-alum coach that Zeke famously fired should not, and cannot be overlooked.
Rivalry never sleeps.
RELATED:
Clubhouse Cancer Legend Zeke gets ready to get canned
10 years ago today, Sammy Sosa was about to begin his assault on the MLB record books. As you may recall, in June of 1998, Sosa hit 20 home runs, establishing a one-month record that may never again be seriously challenged.
Nowadays, 10 years seems like a lifetime ago in recent baseball parlance. Sosa & McGwire ‘captured’ the nation with their fake ‘friendship’ and even faker physiques.
No doubt about it, if you can push other issues out of your mind, June 1998 was one of the greatest months in Chicago sports history. Not only did we have Sosa’s 20 glorious bombs, but it was the final time the world was lucky enough to see Michael Jordan in a Chicago uniform as the Bulls wrapped up their 6th NBA championship.
What a difference a decade makes.
Sosa, from his compound in the DR, today announced he will retire next spring after the 2009 World Baseball Classic.
“It’s part of the plan. It would be great if folks can see me for the last time wearing the uniform of the [Dominican Republic] National Team,” Sosa told Hoy, a Dominican newspaper.
Yeah…Sammy uses the word “folks” a ton. Great ‘plan’, Sam.
The former ‘Slammin’ Sammy also claims he has taken his negligible ‘services’ off the market.
“There’s something that I wish to state very clearly: I’m not looking for a job. In fact, I have told my agent that he should stop offering my services to MLB teams,” Sosa told Hoy. “I'm not retired. I remain highly focused and not begging for a contract.”
Whatever that means. Don’t hold your breath, Sammy. We doubt you could coach little league in the DR these days.
It’s hard to wish a complete, utter dick like Sosa well, so we won’t. We truly, honestly wish him unwell.
Good riddance Sammy. You are a product of the world you helped create. It’s hard to believe that just 10 short years ago, we were still a somewhat naïve nation with regard to athletes and their misdeeds.
We collectively have Sammy Sosa to thank for crushing us out of our blissful, national ignorance.
We also have to personally thank Samuel Peralta Sosa for serving as the original inspiration for this particular webdrivel.
